People stressed about their finances often have concerns about talking about money with their romantic partners, even though it could be beneficial to their relationship, new research shows.
According to a report by researchers at Cornell University and Yale University published here, people who worry about bills, feel overwhelmed about overspending, or worry about managing money can expect a “Money talk” will lead to an argument, which is why they avoid broaching the topic this month in the Journal of Consumer Psychology. However, previous research has found that communicating about money helps couples spend more responsibly and manage their debt better.
“They anticipate conflict and so they choose not to have those conversations at all,” said Emily Garbinsky, an associate professor of marketing and management communication at Cornell Business School and one of the study’s authors.
Why do some people find it so difficult to talk to their partner about money?
Aja Evans, a financial therapist in New York, said people can feel ashamed because they have money problems. They may fear that talking about such things with their partner will harm their relationship. (Financial therapists want to help clients understand how their emotions and beliefs about money can affect their financial behavior.)
“It’s a defense mechanism,” she said. “But when it comes to financial problems, the more you avoid them, the worse it gets.”
Megan R. Ford, a faculty member and financial therapist at the University of Georgia, said that people from families that struggle financially or that don’t encourage talking about money may not have good models for productive conversations about finances.
“Each of us brings our own pocketbook to a relationship,” she said. “Sometimes it’s a handbag. Sometimes there are three large suitcases.”
But as more people avoid financial conversations, Dr. Ford in an email, the more they miss opportunities to better understand themselves and their partners.
Brad Klontz, a psychologist and financial planner, said couples typically “have the talk” at some point about future plans, including whether they want to have children. “But I don’t think people talk about money like that,” he said. He likes to encourage clients to think about questions that can help them uncover the source of their attitudes, such as: “What are my top three financial goals?” and “What are my most painful and joyful memories about money?”
When it comes to managing money, opposites often attract, said Scott Rick, an associate professor of marketing at the University of Michigan Business School and author of “Tightwads and Spendthrifts: Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships.”
Someone who normally works with a strict budget may initially find themselves in love with a partner who is less financially restrained. “It can be charming at first,” said Dr. Rick, “particularly for a miser who delights in a careless extravagance.”
However, in the long run, what initially seems intriguing can become irritating, especially if the couple has children and needs to budget for their own needs as well as their own. But in general, each partner can balance out the other’s more extreme tendencies. Dr. Rick said that while he was more willing to spend money, his wife was more cautious about spending money.
“I’m married to a miser,” he said, and it works out great because he and his wife have a give and take. “I let her win on material things and she lets me win on experiences or vacations,” he said. “You don’t want just one person to win at a time. You need these different perspectives.”
The report by Dr. Garbinsky and her colleagues concluded that the situation when it comes to money discussions is not hopeless. Encouraging people to view financial conflicts as “resolvable” rather than “permanent”—that is, based on fundamental differences in their approaches to managing money—increases the likelihood that they will discuss finances with their partner , the researchers found.
When people see that “financial problems have solutions and compromises are possible,” Dr. Garbinsky, “they become more willing to talk to their partner.”
Here are some questions and answers about relationships and money:
Is it better for couples to have joint or separate bank accounts?
Research suggests that pooling money increases satisfaction in relationships, Dr. Garbinsky. Sharing an account forces conversations about money. “It helps get couples on the same page,” she said.
Dr. Rick said having a joint account helped the couple view all of their money as a single entity rather than as individuals. Large expenses like rent, mortgage or car payments, as well as basic items like utilities, should be paid for from the joint account. “Launder all the money through a joint account,” he said. “It’s all ‘our’ money, for high-level decisions.”
But Dr. Rick also suggests that each partner can be allocated an amount to be kept in a separate account to cover personal expenses and any bills for which he or she is individually responsible. The amounts don’t have to be the same, he said. If one parent is responsible for paying for childcare, music lessons or sports fees for the children, that parent receives a larger allowance.
This way, each partner can spend their daily money without feeling like their spouse is scrutinizing every purchase. “We need our individual interests and goals,” he said.
What’s the best way for couples to start talking about money?
If conversations about money feel scary, start by practicing “low-stakes” decision-making, said Debra Kaplan, a licensed therapist and author of “Coupleship Inc.: From Financial Conflict to Financial Intimacy.” For example, instead of discussing when or where you want to retire, start with how much you want to spend on your next vacation.
“Imagine you’re on a team solving a problem,” she said. “They work towards a result for the good of the team rather than what I will lose if I don’t get my way.”
Dr. Ford suggests that instead of sitting across from each other at a table, you take a walk outside together when you talk about money. The fresh air will help you clear your head. You can walk side by side so you’re not looking directly at each other, which can seem less intimidating.
How often should couples talk about money?
Ms. Evans recommends setting aside time regularly – ideally monthly – to talk about your finances. “I love the concept of the ‘money date,'” she said. Topics may include a review of recent spending or progress toward financial goals. This can be done at home or in a restaurant if you feel comfortable doing so.
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2024-06-28 13:00:10
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