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When it comes to dating etiquette, one question seems to trigger more anxiety than most: Who pays for the first date?
Dating experts believe there is a clear answer for heterosexual couples.
“The man should pay for the first date,” said Blaine Anderson, a dating coach for men. Erika Ettin, an online dating coach, agrees.
“I recommend paying to my male customers and offering to my female customers,” said Ettin, the founder of A Little Nudge. Men should politely decline this offer unless the woman insists. In that case, the man should accept it, Ettin added.
Etiquette “shouldn’t be so complicated,” she said.
Public opinion more or less agrees with what dating experts say. According to a recent NerdWallet survey, most Americans (72%) believe a man should pay for a first date. About 68% of adults worry about their finances when organizing a date, and 69% said they have felt uncomfortable going on dates because of the high costs, according to a recent survey from Self Financial.
Whoever pays, according to a LendingTree survey, the average person pays $77 for a first date. That adds up. According to LendingTree, the average man paid $861 on dates in 2019, while the average woman spent $500.
“Plan something that’s within your budget,” said Anderson, founder of Dating By Blaine.
“If you’re concerned about the cost, you’ve scheduled an appointment that’s too expensive,” Anderson added. Feeling the need to go to a fancy dinner to impress your date means “you’re approaching the date the wrong way,” she said.
Why dating experts think men should pay
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In the past, men were expected to foot the bill because men traditionally served as breadwinners of the household and women as caregivers of children, said Carli Blau, a couples and dating therapist.
Although society has changed tremendously, men likely still feel the subconscious need to pay as a gesture of financial security, said Blau, founder of Boutique Psychotherapy.
According to the NerdWallet survey, men are more likely to think they should pay for a first date than women: 78% vs. 68%.
Proponents of men picking up the tab sometimes point to persistent financial factors, such as a persistent gender pay gap, as a key reason.
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But dating experts often use a different logic: The person asking for the date should generally treat — and that’s typically the man in American society, Ettin said.
The same applies to same-sex couples: Anyone who asks should take out their wallet, she said.
“I think it’s not about the guy paying for it, it’s about who’s courting who?” Blau said.
According to a survey by the Institute for Family Studies, among heterosexual couples, 53% of men say they have asked on the first date, compared to 15% of women.
The person pursuing a romantic interest who chooses the location for their date is expected to pay for it, Blau added.
That means a woman should be prepared to pay when asking a man out, Ettin said. However, she advises men to still be prepared to foot the bill.
There is also a romantic strategy here. Picking up the tab gives the man “the best possible chance on the second date if he likes her,” Anderson said.
Yes, that’s the traditional expectation, but it’s also a nice gesture, she added. The council does not contradict the idea of equality and feminism, said Ettin. “We still want that,” she said. “But it feels nice to be treated sometimes.”
“I believe that equality, feminism and chivalry can exist at the same time,” Ettin said.
When should the bill be split?
Additionally, the bill’s division feels “extremely cheesy and friend-zoning,” Ettin said.
Women interested in a second date can instead suggest they get treatment next time, she said.
Women who offer payment shouldn’t be angry if men accept, experts say.
“Don’t call a friend or me as a therapist and complain after they ask you about it,” Blau said.
“In this place of equality and women’s desire to be treated equally – which we should be – it could be seen as disrespectful for us to pay when the man says, ‘No, I’ll take care of it.’ Then a power dynamic emerges,” she added.
If you’re concerned about the cost, you’ve scheduled an appointment that’s too expensive.
Blaine Anderson
Dating coach
Some women may feel the need to split the check if they know they don’t want a second date. However, experts were somewhat divided on this etiquette.
“I don’t think that’s a requirement,” but it’s polite to offer payment in such cases, Anderson said.
However, Ettin doesn’t believe that payment should be based on how well a date went.
“All you owe them is a thank you,” she said. “That’s it – a real thank you.”
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2024-04-16 19:03:32
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